Is it really three years since my last medical for the Fire Service?
Well, here it was again… I'd dried myself out, weaning myself off the daily diet of 10 pints of Guinness and two Babycham chasers. I'd even gone a couple of weeks without a Tesco's blow-out fried breakfast. I was determined to be at my peak for the medical!
Mel was ahead of me and was already making the ladies from Occupational Health wish they'd stayed in Ipswich. In fact the team had to confer over the strange sightings witnessed when peering into Mel's left ear. It seems that all they could see was a big red fire engine. Fire Service to the core is our Mel. Sad to say this isn't the case. They were actually looking straight through and out of his right ear and could see Ladder 1 in the drill yard beyond!
Being as blind as a bat I had to do the eye test with and without my specs. This was all taking a long time and the nurse was definitely getting confused. She couldn't work out how my eyesight was deteriorating right before her eyes. Luckily she realised that a bit of finger trouble on her part meant that I was viewing the slides out of sequence. Once that was sorted I was able to read the name of the makers on the bottom of the slide.
After a few big puffs into the Vitalograph blowing thing it was off to provide a urine sample. Thank God for that. I'd been hanging on to this bladder full for the last hour and was relieved to hear that I could get some relief… A tad concerning when the nurse came into the Officers toilet with me but by now I was ready to go. Seemed she wasn't planning on staying just pointing out the little cup that was standing on top of the toilet cistern.
"I'd like you to give me a sample of your urine in that small pot. When you've finished just leave it where it is". And with that she turned and left.
Bugger me, I thought. I know I'm desperate to go but there's no way I'm gonna be able to fill that pot from here.
Well, I tried my best. A quick apology to any Officers that may use that toilet in the next day or so. I'm sure the toilet seat, cistern, walls and floor will dry out soon…
So now my pee gets checked… Are they looking for traces of performance enhancing drugs (on my performance you'd have to look very hard) or are they checking to see if I'm pregnant? No, it seems that all they do is hold my sample up to a Dulux paint colour chart and note down the nearest colour. Mine matched most closely with Hint of Straw – would look nice in our hallway…
That's stage one complete. Now off to the Officers' Dorm for the auditory test and the step test.
I slip on the 70's style headphones and am given a button to press each time I hear a sound. Left ear first and all's going well until someone fires up Ladder 1 outside the window, in the drill yard. Now I've got a low rumble in my ears as I try to pick up sounds that only a pack of dogs could hope to ear. After what seemed an eternity the test was complete and a remark was added to the test form – 'Loud fire engine in drill yard!'
And now to the Grand Finale – the Chester Step Test. Step up, step down in time to the beeps on the tape. The speed of the beeps increases every two minutes and at the same time my heart rate is checked and I have to give an assessment of how diffcult I'm finding the task – Very, very easy to F**k me, I'm shagged out!
Time to stop and have a graph drawn of my efforts. Good and only one point from being Excellent. Not bad for a 40 something…
Seems only right and proper that I should celebrate tomorrow with a Tesco breakfast and a bag of five custard doughnuts!